Ask Tammy Manners -
I am young and in my early thirties. I have no children that I know of and am a woman about town. I work a great deal and quite frankly am lonely. I drink a bit and like my antique lamps. Should I join the YMCA, learn to swim and get in shape? Go to church to socialize? I feel like people are laughing at me, I am a big girl, as I have hossed up a bit. Any ideas for me?
Dear Friend -
Hit a swingers bar or join a Marquis de Sade book club. What an absolutely bleak picture you paint. After reading this question, I want to pluck out my eye and send it to you in a box. It can’t be that bad. Then again, it might.
I like the idea of a special friend, a mate, a companion, who doesn’t? So much promise for the future, however, so many stark realities for you. Have you thought of going to the dog races? You have an affinity with antiques and you could visit a flea market.
Some people smoke a little “420” which refers to consumption of cannabis and a way to identify oneself with cannabis subculture. This completely escapes me as 420 ages you, as does tanning. Have you looked in the mirror? What do you see when you look back at yourself?
I smoked a little hashish in college and it made me drive through the Taco Bell and eat five items from their menu. Not wanting to be notorious as a Taco Bell junkie, I soon found myself visiting Taco Bells around the county to keep from being noticed. I then switched to the Taco Bueno and finally the Whataburger.
I worked at a tanning salon, “The Beach Bum,” and I looked like one with my tan greying, aging skin, bags under my eyes and started to develop wrinkles around the orbital bone and my marionette lines increased. It isn’t a pretty sight. I was tired all the time and a friend recommended that I try lacing my “420” with PCP, “Angle Dust,” and sure it gave me pep, but not like the pep of a pep squad. I was violent and mean and people mistook me for a lesbian and the same friend then recommended that I put heroine in the mix. It was all too much.
I joined a secret society, not one associated with the Masonic Lodge or the Order of the Eastern Star. I wanted to be a member of the Order of the Rainbow for Girls or a new inductee into the Job’s Daughters International, but they had fallen out of grace and I had reached the age of majority and I was blackballed. Probably from the big black bags under my eyes that were darker than the black balls dropped into the wooded box announcing my candidacy would not be accepted. My concealer started to run so I started using Estee Lauder Eyezone Repair Gel, with suspended micro crystals and that helped, but the dye had been cast. I was an outcast. Marijuana is cheap.
The idea of going to church is a good one. Let’s be clear that the purpose of a church is to worship and pray. Not to be confused with ‘prey.’ Emotional vampires that suck the life out of the other congregants is tiring. You should be going to church to replenish and restore the soul and spirit.
I may be a Republican Jew, but a little Jesus in your soul will uplift your spirits and snap you out of this devilish need for overeating and taking bong hits from the fashionable antique lamp you have converted into a water pipe of sorts.
You are eclectic and your need for attention screams for Evangelicalism and Charisma. Start with the Trinity Broadcast Network and Pat and Jan Crouch. They look like they may have had a few fun times in their youth. I am a big fan. When I converted to Judaism the Rabbi asked what my intentions were and I said, “I will become the first Evangelical Jewish television hostess.”
ייקעס, מיר האָבן אַ שאַרף איינער דאָ”
“Oy Vey, we have a hot one here.”
When I was in college I fell from a cheerleader stunt and hurt my back and some nice evangelicals came to my dorm room and spoke in tongues rolling around on the floor, waving a snake above their heads, laying their hands on me, trying to cure me of what was ailing me. The next day they took me to, “The Church on the Rock.” Larry Lea the pastor wandered out into the congregation and said, “Somewhere in this congregation is a young woman who is having a problem with drugs and alcohol. The Lord has told me to reach out to you. Is it you young lady?” He looked right at me.
“Yes, it is.”
“Stand up and tell me your story.”
“I can’t stop driving through the Taco Bell, Taco Bueno and Whataburger because I am so hungry from the hashish I am smoking. I do want to have friends and be popular, but I was kicked off the cheerleading squad and have gained a great deal of weight. I have tried diet pills and these fine upstanding people came to my dorm room and prayed over me and brought me to this place.” I started to cry.
“Woman, if you are a fat whore, stop eating.”
Melva his wife came up and hugged me and just like that, they laid their hands on me and my back was cured. I was healed and everyone was so damn glad to see me. I was put in a station wagon and taken down to the Luby’s Cafeteria on Broadway and Interstate 30 and my new friends bought me a, “Luann” platter with smaller portions.
Larry and Melva are no longer married and “The Church on the Rock” is now called, “Lake Pointe Church.” Larry got into an incident in San Francisco at a Prayer Meeting with some Gay and Women activists and a few Wiccan. The pastor from the Wiccan Coven did convert to Christianity, so I suppose all was not lost.
I got off the Hashish, stopped drinking and lost weight, although I still have an affinity with Bear Claws and Apple Fritters from the Korean donut shop on Saturday mornings. I use a skin care regimen from Isagenix International and daily partake in nutritional cleansing. I have found the fountain of youth and you can too.
You need to use your story to witness to the other nonbelievers out there, perhaps you could have a television reality show?