Ask Tammy Manners

Tammy -

I want to throw a party. After years of failed relationships on a personal, financial, career and romantic level and many attempts at sobriety, I am throwing myself a get together at a beauty parlour to celebrate six months of sobriety. Any advice or etiquette tips to follow?

Dear Friend –

This has me chuffed up real good. Annoyed; displeased; disgruntled. The State Opening of Parliament is an occassion to celebrate. Six months at an attempt to live life on life’s terms? Are you using the word “Karma” correctly in every day conversation?

What kind of party and parlour games will you play in a beauty salon? “Spin the Aveda Chamomile bottle?” “I Heard it through the Grapevine?” “Blather Me Beautiful?” Make sure you put pictures up on Social media sites to show the world your new found success: “An Invitation Only Invitational. The guest list is so exclusive; even the people I owe a personal plea and financial restitution to are not invited.”

Sobriety is your responsibility. I have yet to see a survivor of Breast Cancer throw a “Whoopie Party” for completing radiation. I have seen survivors doing service to raise awareness and give back to the community. Sobriety is a solemn opportunity to show the outside world you can be a contributing member. Sobriety is attraction; not promotion. Humility. I would think the kindest way to practice restriction and self-restraint for you and the community at large would be to sit humbly with someone who is suffering. Take your temptation for temperance to the Salvation Army and give back to someone who needs hope.

- Tammy

Ask Tammy Manners is available at amazon.com

I was at the American Airlines Center, during the Lady Gaga concert. Platinum Level of course. In a rental next to a fortune high tech suite. I wandered down to the ladies room, to relieve myself of some excess water. Entering the stall, I “sat for a chat,” I couldn’t help but overhear the woman in the stall next to me. In a robust way she was ‘encouraging’ herself to go to the bathroom. I wanted to giggle but I don’t know what proper etiquette is for dealing with people ‘encouraging’ themselves to ‘go to the bathroom. Any advice?

Dear Friend -

“Sat for a chat.” I like that. “Excuse me, while I excuse myself to powder the nose,” is so passé. It isn’t as if our gentlemen friends at the table don’t know what the lady folk are doing in the commode. I would think at a Lady Gaga concert at the American Airlines center one would most likely hear, “Hey lady? Where’s the crapper?” When, “Could you point me in the direction of the lavatory?” might be a little more modish and natty. I may very well try, “Pardon me please, I think I shall retrieve a crown jewel while I sit on the thrown.” Sounds stylish and swank.

This ‘encouraging herself,’ are we discussing, ‘throwing a poopie?” or more of a, ‘just off of the turd toot?’ Chanting, “I think I can, I think I can,” isn’t trendy at all. Singing, “You can do it! Nothing to it! I can hear the bowels roar!” might be toe tapping and memorable, but out-moded. Like an Ethel Merman belter. “One, two, three, PUSH!” is most chichi and current for a Lady Gaga concert in a women’s water closet at the American Airlines Center. To which you could reply with a bang and beat on the wall of the stall, “Hey Lady! I’m trying to pee!”

Tammy

Ask Tammy Manners -

I live in the inner city. Well, actually an enclave in the inner city. A subdivision if you will and I was in the local coffee shop, not a Starbucks, because it has become too social and frankly, the people are just a little bit too uncouth. People actually sit in those Starbucks, by themselves babbling and talking out-loud to themselves. What kind of etiquette is that?

Dear Friend -

Well, there ought to be a law. How awkward. Barbaric. Boorish. Cheap and course if you ask me and you may have done just that; asked me my opinion of people sitting in a Starbucks chatting themselves up over gawky, graceless, heavy handed scones and an inelegant cup of joe. Don’t misunderstand, I am not endorsing the Starbucks brand of coffee, scones or lifestyle. I get my coffee from Whole Foods Market. If you are going to pay more for it, at least have something to look at while you wander the aisles of the cosmetics, health and wellness section. Everyone who’s in the know, knows the best place to find a date is at the Whole Foods Market on Park Lane, across from the North Park Mall. Even though the above ground subway, which I believe is called a light rail train or ‘street car,’ has brought some rather undesirables into that section of town. Shoplifting has skyrocketed through the roof at the Neiman Marcus. So, I, (not wanting to appear too social), started trading at the Whole Foods Market on Lomo Alto, near the Town of Highland Park, an enclave on the outskirts of an of the inner city. They gays have been gallivanting about and everyone knows, “where the gays go, so do the glitterati.”

I was wandering around during my walk-about the other day and a man was sitting in the cafe talking out loud and to himself, “”Mary, you’re not right! You’re sick, girl! Sick! A twisted bitch!”

Honey, I pranced right over to the pastry counter, got me a scone and a cup of cappuccino and enjoyed the show.

- Tammy

Ask Tammy Manners -

I think people hate me. I really do. I think of it all the time and I can feel their eyes glaring at me when I walk in the room. I am sure that everyone is talking about me and I sense that they detest me. Any advice.

Dear Friend -

No, no advice on that one. I like your idiolect, or pattern of speech. You may want to consider writing dark poems or murder mystery novels. Or become a hairdresser. Everyone loves their hair dresser. This is a true statement.

I had a hair dresser once. A tall blonde drink of water from the Stephen Knoll salon on Madison Ave. Across the street from Barney’s New York. The speciality retail store. Sandra Bernhard shops there. In the Chanel Boutique.

Anyway, I had longish, brackish, dirty dishwater blonde hair. My friend, the hairdresser recommended that I try six shades of blonde high and low lights. Being on a pension as a new born widow, and unable to afford the $1500 fee to have my hair coloured, I consented; well actually acquiesced to having my hair shaded a bit to frame my face in various shades of blonde. I looked really pretty as I stepped out onto Madison Ave. The hairdresser? He took me on a cruise I never imagined possible. The Sun however had other plans as my locks turned green and orange in the Caribbean Sun.

Back home, I said to my friend, “David, I am convinced everyone hates me.”

“Why do you think that Tammy?”

“Everyone is staring at me. They despise me.”

“Oh honey, there are ten people at the AA meeting that abhor me. How do you know they detest you?”

“It was the dead horse that was left on my doorstep.”

“Mary, you live in a high rise on Park Ave! I mean, what did the doorman say?”

“Yes?”

“We have a delivery for the Widow Manners.”

My advice is to become a hairdresser.

- Tammy

Ask Tammy Manners is available at amazon.com

A guy I didn’t think liked me at all..now tells me he liked me all along. What should I do?

Dear Friend -

What should you do? What should you have done! A strange riddle indeed. A question as old as man itself. From the time of the Sphinx in Thebes to Abbot and Costello such rhyme games could be played ad infinitum:

“Who’s on first? What’s on second? Don’t know’s on third!” “What came first, the chicken or the egg?” “What goes on four legs in the morning, on two at noon, and on three legs in the evening?”

What came first? The Riddle of the Sphinx! Or was it Abbot and Costello? The study of ancient antiquities is a queer quandary of questions and then we throw this chicken in the frying pan and wonder why we have no bacon.

This really isn’t the Gordian knot; hornets nest; dog’s breakfast; hard nut to swallow (or is it a pill?); dog’s breakfast or Pandora’s box you pretend it to be. Love does not need a reason. If I were you, and I am glad I am not; get out of the rock and hard place. Throw away the pickle. Turn off the hot water. Slide out of the sticky situation.

Turn your mare’s nest into a lovers hideaway and if you like this most happy fellow steer clear of “Othello” and tell him how you feel. Instead of asking, “why me?” Ask, “Why not you two.”

- Tammy

Ask Tammy Manners – 



Please refresh me on the correct etiquette for a rehearsal dinner party. Who should be invited?

Dear Friend -

What are you rehearsing for?

I was in a production of Jesus Christ Superstar years ago. The producer couldn’t get the rights to “Pippin” or “Hair” as he wanted an all nude cast for a bus and truck tour of America’s heartland,so they did away with the Chitons. Or were they Togas? I am almost certain Herod was a Greek, but then again he may have been a Roman. Yes, it must be true that the Last Super was a Grecian Gala. Then again, surely it was indeed a Roman Revelry.

Why couldn’t I have been a musical version of “Antony and Cleopatra” by the poet, and I know it, was the bard of Stratford-upon-Avon? Anyway, all’s well that ends well is what I have always said and if there is one important thing in the world it’s to go out with a bang.

Facts just escape me at times. I was in the refectory of the Convent of Santa Maria della Grazie, Milan, Italy where I saw the painting “The Last Supper,” by Leonardo Da Vinci. I couldn’t help but notice Judas rearranging the lovely Easter Lillie floral bouquet on the banquet, so happy to be a part of Christian society at the First Baptist Church. What a lovely dinner.

Who can forget Mary Magdalene laying chocolate Easter bunnies at the feet of Christ to celebrate while the Dallas Symphony Orchestra was on the road to Judea after having performed at Ceasar’s Palace in Rome? Gays and drag-queens doing the grapevine on the way to the town square in their Easter bonnets as all of Jerusalem society sashay for the pooch parade sipping mimosa. What a brunch that must have been.

Hats off to the party planner who put together the guest list for that rehearsal dinner.

-Tammy